A Letter to an Old Friend

Hey Steve,

Remember that time we got high as balls. Yeah, that time with the gravity bong at my cousin Willie's? Hell yeah, we were so fucking stoned! We ate four triple cheeseburgers and then shit in the street! Then we got that hobo and gave him a bubble bath and 12 dollars! He treated us like kings. Then we totally picked up that hooker and double-teamed her for like 4 and a half hours! We even gave her the Eiffel Tower! Then you totally tried to suck my dick and I was like.. No way bro! I'm no queer! But then the hooker was totally into it so I let you! You're totally gay dude! Then we took her to iHop and she made us buy her meal, but then for reals called it even! We didn't even have to pay the $400 we owed for the double team! Then we went home and passed out watching Season 5 of Quantum Leap!

Dude, remember that?

No?

Yeah, me neither.

Owned.

Someone called me a "douche bag" today. It was an attempt to insult me.. an attempt to tear down my character by refering to me as a feminine product used for vaginal maintenance. When hit with this heinous comment, I abosrbed it. I let it sizzle on my mind skillet. I became more furious by the second, until I had a moment of clarity. I turned to my verbal assailant and answered, "I would love to be thrust into a vagina, squeezed, and forced to emit a salty liquid. I'm not insulted."

Vampire AIDS

If you have been keeping up with Earth culture in the past year or so, you have probably heard of the teen girl phenomenon known as Twilight. The “Twilight Saga” of sub-par books and shitty films follows a young “I could be attractive but no one notices me so I’ll just be different” girl named Bella who falls in love with a mysterious heartthrob vampire named Edward. Regardless of my disgust with this fad, I was dragged into seeing the film in theaters. Sitting in front of me was a large African American woman, who somewhat stereotypically decided to yell her opinions at the screen. During a scene where Edward and Bella are confusing infatuation for love the woman loudly days, “This Bella bitch is just too damn skinny. Girl looks like she got AIDS.” After I spent close to 20 minutes laughing at here publicly offensive comment, a burning question entered my mind. What if Bella and Edward had awkward, unprotected vampire-human sex? Could Edward get AIDS? Or what if he says“Fuck it. I’m bored.” and bit her? Could he get AIDS from that? The question is, “Can a vampire contract the AIDS virus from biting and/or having sexual relations with an AIDS infected victim?” I pondered the question for the better part of an hour and a half before finally giving in and doing some research. I decided the most reliable, accurate, and trustworthy source of information would be the internet. Some people say the interent isn’t always right. But why would anyone take the time to post false information? That’s crazy. Therefore, I concluded that everything you read on the internet is true. After my research took me through Wikipedia, several historical sites about vampires, and some very odd and disturbing pornography, I came to my conclusion and the answer to the question. Yes, a vampire can contract the AIDS virus having bitten and/or having sexual relations with an AIDS infected victim.However, considering that a vampire can only be killed by a stake through the heart, sunlight, holy water or decapitation, the AIDS virus is only a minor inconvenience to the vampire. The extent of the hardships faced by the AIDS infected vampire will most likely be teasing and practical jokes. Things like, “Hey, who invited Tom Hanks from Philadelphia?” and having songs from the musical “Rent” sang to him by his peers on a daily basis.

Power Cumber

I have a friend that got a new bicycle the other day. He was bragging like it made him Lance Armstrong or something, so I decided to go check it out. I honestly was not that impressive. He bought it at Target for like $50. But something about it did catch my eye. The name of the model was written on the side of it. It was called the “POWER CLIMBER.” This was normal, except that I read it wrong. I mistook the L and the I together for a U. I thought it said “POWER CUMBER.” I realized my mistake and laughed to myself. Later, I was thinking about my minor mistake and an idea struck me like a tazer to the genitals. What if there really were a product called the Power Cumber? My marketing genius kicked into overdrive. It would be like a regular cucumber, but injected with caffine and herbal suppliments, giving it the effects of an energy drink. I’m talking 9,000% of your daily Vitamin-B12 here, people. This would definitely sell with the fitness freaks. They would feel more healthy eating a super-charged vegetable for energy than drinking a carbonated drink. Then I thought of a whole line of energy-injected fruits and veggies. Envision this with me: Power Melon, Power Nana, Power Tato, and even…. Power Bacon. The last one isn’t really a fruit or vegetable, but everyone on Earth loves bacon, right? So if anyone would like to partner with me in this business venture.. I’ll be taking out a loan at the bank tomorrow. I’m serious. I’m getting Billy Mays to do the infomercials. Get ready for him to yell at you every night at 2AM until you break down and buy the POWER CUMBER. For those that doubt me.. you will eat your words. The Power Cumber revolution is coming.. and it’s going to change our lives forever.

Oh, Woodchuck

Oh, Wood Chuck

How much wood would
a Wood Chuck chuck
if a Wood Chuck
could chuck wood?
It’s killed me for days.
Who are you, wood chuck?
And why do you
chuck so much wood?
Are you your own animal
or just racial slur
for groundhogs?
Maybe you’re like the Sasquatch.
Pseudo-scientists and hillbillies
claim knowledge of you.
Sightings of you sprout from Portland
to the Appalachians.
Like a combination of a beaver
and the Brawny paper towel man.
Although such a name
suggests you would be a superb
chucker of wood,
that’s not you.
You’re bred for your shiny coat
and husky baritone singing voice,
but no one ever hears you sing.
The childish tongue-twister
only mars your legacy.
But, if pressed, I would say five.
Five woods chucked in about a half an hour.

Ways I Can Become President Again In 2012

(from the personal journal of George W. Bush)

1. Change My Name - Technically that would make me a different person. Charlie Sheen seems pretty smart. I could go from George Walker Bush to George WINNING Bush. My second choice would be Carlos McHugeWiener.

2. Get Sex Change - This would also technically make me a totally different person. I would run as Georgia W. Bush. Now a woman as President sounds like the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. But I'd still be George W... just with a giner.

3. Change the Constitution - I would sneak in and fix that 2 term part with a sharpie. I've seen Mission Impossible like a thousand times, so I don't think it would be that hard.

4. Switch My Face With Nicolas Cage - Ya know, like in that movie Face Off? I don't know if anyone would vote for Nic Cage, but it would still be super badass.

5. OBAMA SUCKS!

Craps McGee

The Story of Craps McGee (in iambic pentameter.)

In times of fear we look to Craps McGee,

A man of great integrity and strength.

He crossed the Delaware in two short leaps.

He punched a cat and brought it back to life.

When Craps was eight years old he died three times.

He killed a flock of geese with his bare hands.

I’m serious. The geese are dead for real.

McGee then fathered twenty bouncing boys.

The boys grew up and formed a fam'ly band.

They toured the country far and wide and long

And deep and short and tall and here and there.

But Craps McGee did not like rock and roll.

He told the boys to stop and they said no.

McGee burned down their homes and smashed their cars.

You know there is no love like father’s love.

Free Write Pt 2

Sand is just a bunch of tiny rocks.

I think McDonald's puts low levels of cocaine in all their food.

The Big Gulp is a modern marvel.

Buff women are gross.

I hate spiders.

I love kittens. But I hate cats.

I'm an average texter.

Pubes is a funny word.

Sierra Mist is just Slice renamed.

Facebook, Google, and Apple will merge in 30 years to become SkyNet.

Memories of Home

"It was the cornfields. It was always the cornfields. Always there for me. I worked those fields every harvest for 18 years. Out there you can feel the world.. just you and the corn. I learned so many lessons back then. Self discipline.. hard work.. honest pay. I became a man in those fields. Shucking corn one day, I remember getting my first erection. I didn't know what to do with it, but I knew it was something important. I measured it up against the corn cobs.. I had some of them beat. I felt the wind in my hair and sweet mother nature whispering in my ear, "Do me, baby." And do her I did. On pure instinct alone, I dug a hole there in the corn row, lined it with a corn husk, and made sweet, unadulterated love to the earth. It was the most passion I've ever felt in my life.. and I've been trying to get it back ever since. God bless Nebraska."

A Poem

Apples

I ate the apples.

The ones in the refrigerator.

They had a note on them.

It said not to eat them.

Specifically, that I should not eat them.

By specifically, I mean, it mentioned me by name.

What the fuck is that?

You think I would eat your apples?

When they are clearly yours?

That's bullshit.

What kind of person do you think I am?

Yogi Bear Movie Pitch

"Ok, I've got an idea. No, not a new idea. An old one. I figure, why come up with some new original idea on our own when there are plenty of old ideas that other people have come up with that we can re-use and repackage to today's youth. Seriously, everyone's doing it. We can take any old show.. say Yogi Bear for instance. Make it a live action/CGI combo. Get some decently known "classic" actor who can kind of do the voice and make him Yogi. Example.. Dan Aykroyd. Then get someone young and hip to voice Boo-Boo like Justin Timberlake. The just plug the rest of it with B-List actors and have our guys write up a script full or slapstick and complete suspension of logic and disbelief... and we've got ourselves a blockbuster. What do you think?"

The #1 Threat to America

Is it terrorists? Drug cartels?? Wikileaks???

America, it's none of these. The #1 threat to our nation is something that not many people know about. I'm talking about rogue mountain lions. These are not normal mountain lions in the sense that they've gone rogue. They are not doing normal mountain lion things. They are growing more intelligent by the day and taking over many small towns and cities in southern Texas. They have also been eating entire patches of illegal marijuana being grown in our forests and robbing convenient stores, enraged with the munchies. Word on the street is they've kidnapped several bi-lingual students from the University of Texas El Paso and have been forcing the students to teach them both English and Spanish. America, we must stop these giant blazed cats. I have it on good authority from a pool boy in San Antonio named Miguel that their weaknesses are Cheetos, old Carlos Santana albums, and seasons of the Golden Girls on DVD. Together, we can do this.

Do your part to stop rogue mountain lions today!

Freewrite.

Freewrite Pt. 1

Tights aren't pants.

The word "kewl" in place of "cool" is neither cool nor kewl.

I don't care about the fat and the calories. I love McDonald's food.

Green health additive in coffee is gives you a sense of accomplishment.

Everyone is born with built in voids. We're all on this constant search to fill them up and be complete. Some people just aren't patient though.. and they grab at the closest pieces that they think might fit. Especially when drunk.

What's the deal with the moon?

I wish Channing Tatum would stop being in movies.

I hate spiders.

Girls shouldn't poop.

RIP Four Loko

It's done. Four Loko is gone. Without a way to get jacked up and drunk at the same time for $2.. what will college students do? I've got some healthy suggestions to get you by once Four Loko is off the shelves.

• Face-Punch - You take 4 parts Monster energy drink, 3 parts Jagermeister, and 1 part battery acid. Why do I call it face-punch? Because I drank a pint and punch 3 women in the face. Don't worry, only one was my wife.
• Hillbilly Fuel - Take 3 parts Old Glory energy drink, 5 parts Jose Quervo, and 1 part pure gasoline. Make sure it's pure gasoline. No ethanol. None of that hippy, liberal shit.
• Boner Fiesta - 4 parts Rockstar energy drink, 4 parts chocolate milk, 6 parts Hypnotic, and 1 ground up Cialis. Want to know why it's called Boner Fiesta? Drink a half gallon and find out.
• The Lindsay Lohan - 10 parts Red Bull, a handle of Everclear, and a kilo of cocaine. The name is self-explanatory.

There you go. I know you're all sad about losing Four Loko. But just try to remember the good times you had with it. Seriously, try to remember them. Any times.. It's hard.

Ideas for the New Superman Movie

Let's face it, folks, Superman Returns sucked. Everyone had high hopes... then Bryan Singer and Warner Bros. delivered a steaming pile of a Christopher Reeves tribute movie to audiences across America. Now that WB is looking to re-boot Supes with Chris Nolan producing and Zack Snyder in the director's chair... I figure they'll be looking for some story ideas. I'm sure the higher up at WB and DC read my blog, so I'll pitch the best ideas I've come up with so far.

• Superman Relives - Superman narrates a comical look at his college exploits. Including joining a fraternity (with Green Arrow, Aquaman, and the Flash) and longing for Lois Lane to notice him while he and the boys go on a quest to get Aquaman laid.
• Superman Retires - An aging Man of Steel battles catheters, terrible cafeteria food, and a geriatric Lex Luthor in Metropolis Oaks Retirement Home. The climax comes with Superman foils Lex's plan to ship large amounts of Viagra into the nursing home.
• Superman Remarries - A recently divorced Clark Kent is back on the market and ready to mingle in this charming romantic comedy. Get ready for Mark Rufallo as the Man of Steel and Jennifer Garner spicing things up at Lois Lane! The see what chaos ensues when Matthew McConaughey hits the scene as Lex Luthor!
• Superman Recounts - Set in an alternate history, the film re-envisions the 2000 Presidential Election with Lex Luthor battling it out against Al Gore. When Lex seals the victory, Gore calls foul play and demands a recount! As honorary Secretary of State in Florida, can Superman recount the votes in time before the evil Lex Luthor becomes the President?
• Superman Rebounds - Bored of the superhero life, Clark Kent tries out for the NBA and gets drafted to the Boston Celtics. Can he and his teammates overcome the genetically engineered New York Knicks and their evil owner Doomsday to win the NBA Championship?
• Superman Reloaded - Superman's computer crashes. Did he remember to back up his files on an external hard drive?

I don't know about you, but I think I've got some gold here.

Things I Don't Fuck With, Part 1

Let it be known.. I hate spiders. I would rather fight a bear than a spider. A spider can bite me and I'm done. Dead. But a bear, I could fight a bear. Here's my plan: I would run full speed at the bear and jump at it, latching it in a bear hug. What's the worst it could to in that position? Scratch my back? Then as is ferociously roared at me, I would punch full force into its mouth. I would punch it in the tongue, then grab it and rip it out. Sure, he could try to bite my arm off but what's faster, the bear's mouth or me? Me, dude. If that doesn't work I'll just run. Bears are fast but only while running straight. I'd run into the woods in serpentine pattern. That's right.. eventually he's just get tired and forget, right? I think so. Regardless, I'd rather go through all that than have to encounter a spider. Fuck that. Spiders are horrifying. I will fuck with a bear all day. I don't fuck with spiders.

Greetings from Earth,

Jim

An Excerpt From My Novel

Good news, I'm almost finished with my novel. It's about a hi-tech secret agent working for the CIA during the Civil War era. Check out the excerpt from Chapter 6: Belly of the Beast.

"As I rushed down the dark corridor, I could feel the weight of all my super hi-tech gadgets that I keep on my person at all times start to bore down on my extremely fit and tan body. I knew the Confederate soldiers wouldn't be far behind. I quickly ducked behind a Civil War era vending machine and waited for the right moment. I must have nodded out while waiting, because I awoke an hour and a half later with the grey coats surrounding me! I tied me up and dragged me behind them as they marched down the corridor. I tried to force flex out, but couldn't. They must have had some sort of advanced, super strong rope. They took me to a through a hatch and into an underground bunker. There were swastikas everywhere. I knew it. It was the Nazis!"

Pretty intense stuff, right? I'm hoping to sell the movie rights.

Parks

I can't go to parks.

Greetings from Earth,

Jim

M & M's

I know the bag says "Tear and Share." But these motherfuckers are all mine.

Greetings from Earth,

Jim

Awkward is the new sexy.

That's right. I said it.

Awkward is the new sexy.

Look at all the popular actors out there today. Clooney, Pitt, and McConaughey have been replaced by Seth Rogen, Michael Cera, and Jonah Hill. These are all conventionally non-sexy men. They're not bad looking. They're attractive in a nerdy, comedian sort of way. But they are by no means sexy. However, due to the newfound popularity of awkward comedy and dialogue-driven, everyday-situational comedies, these men have found themselves in leading roles. Therfore, women have started to find these funny men attractive. Some have even started to use words like "hot" and "sexy." This is good news for mildly attractive dorks like myself. We who rely on clever personality and witty wordplay to make up for unfortunate physical build or not-so-striking facial features.

This is a win for the nerds.

This is a first step. A step towards the day when I can roll up to the club in my Dodge Stratus on tens with the Wal-Mart plastic hubcaps. I can walk inside in my vintage button-up and jeans that I think might make me look interesting, find the hottest girl by the bar, walk up to her and buy her a drink only after making sure she doesn't have one and asking her what she likes. Then make a few jokes about myself before looking her in the eye and saying, "Hey baby, how about you let me get on top of you and act like I know what I'm doing?" That'll be the day.

Greetings from Earth,

Jim