Hello, Universe. Today I write to you about an interesting experience I had. You see, us Earthlings are going through what I call an “energy craze.” Not because of depleting natural recourses or our continued dependance on oil, but because no one wants to sleep. I am talking about the immense popularity of energy drinks. These are carbonated beverages that contain ridiculous amounts of caffeine and 5000% of your daily dose of vitamin B12. They are terrible for the body, yet we continue to consume them for one reason or another. Alas, this is just a short form introduction to energy drinks. If you need a more in depth explanation, just talk to any college student that’s too afraid to try cocaine. Now, I’m not saying energy drinks are the devil. I have been known to chug an energy boosting beverage or two in my day, but there is one on the market that I was not prepared for.
My story starts at the center of Earth culture, Wal-Mart. I was getting my usual supply of Spaghetti-O’s, Top Ramen, and beef Jerky when I layed eyes upon one of the most intriguing things to ever be placed before them. It was called “Lightning Bolt”, The Official Energy Drink of Steven Seagal. For those of you not familiar with his work, Stephen Seagal is an actor. He has starred in countless mildy successful martial arts films. Although, in recent years, he has been lost in the fray with all the other martials arts seudo-stars like Jean Claude Van Damme, Jet Li, Jackie Chan, and of course, Chuck Norris. Now back to the drink at hand. I was amazed. I had never seen a celebrity endorse such a product before. The design on the can was completely cheesy. It was also priced at $1 and was as whopping 32 ounces. I quickly made up my mind.. I was going to buy this energy drink. Now the only thing left to decide was the flavor. Like most energy drinks, Steven Seagal had to take it up a notch and offer not one, but two flavors. The first to catch my eye was “Cherry Charge”, but I’m not a fan of cherry flavoring. It reminds me of children’s cough syrup. This in turn reminds of having to take that gross, cherry flavored children’s cough every time I lied to my mother about being sick in an attempt to stay home from school.
So I moved my attention to the can beside it. This can was labeled “Asian Experience.” I kid you not, its label read “Asian Experience.” Steven Seagal is not Asian, so this confused me. But the name of the flavor was almost as intriguing as the drink itself. I immediatley purchased it, popped the top, and took a drink. What hit my beckoning palet was by far one of the most disgusting tastes I had ever been subjected to in my life. It was like carbonated olive juice, with a hint of natural grape. I then became nauseous, and needed to sit down. I could still smell it. I could feel it on my lips. The taste would not go away. I was sick for the better part of 3 hours, and was tasting it in my mouth for the next 2 days. I had yet to find an energy drink that I didn’t like, until Mr. Seagal decided to bless us with this little gem. So this is a warning to you all: Unless you are stranded, dying of thirst, and can’t muster up the courage to drink you’re own urine.. DO NOT try the Steven Seagal evergy drink. Just don’t.
But I’ll be honest with you. I don’t regret it. It was a life experience. You win some, and you lose some. Mr. Seagal definitely won this one. Steven Seagal Energy Drink-1, Me-0. I couldn’t handle his nauseating, libido dampening concoction. Overall, Steven Seagal’s evergy drink comes off primarily like his movies: corny, uncomfortable, disappointing, and afterwards, you sort of want your money back.
Greetings from Earth.
