A Letter to an Old Friend

Hey Steve,

Remember that time we got high as balls. Yeah, that time with the gravity bong at my cousin Willie's? Hell yeah, we were so fucking stoned! We ate four triple cheeseburgers and then shit in the street! Then we got that hobo and gave him a bubble bath and 12 dollars! He treated us like kings. Then we totally picked up that hooker and double-teamed her for like 4 and a half hours! We even gave her the Eiffel Tower! Then you totally tried to suck my dick and I was like.. No way bro! I'm no queer! But then the hooker was totally into it so I let you! You're totally gay dude! Then we took her to iHop and she made us buy her meal, but then for reals called it even! We didn't even have to pay the $400 we owed for the double team! Then we went home and passed out watching Season 5 of Quantum Leap!

Dude, remember that?

No?

Yeah, me neither.

Owned.

Someone called me a "douche bag" today. It was an attempt to insult me.. an attempt to tear down my character by refering to me as a feminine product used for vaginal maintenance. When hit with this heinous comment, I abosrbed it. I let it sizzle on my mind skillet. I became more furious by the second, until I had a moment of clarity. I turned to my verbal assailant and answered, "I would love to be thrust into a vagina, squeezed, and forced to emit a salty liquid. I'm not insulted."

Vampire AIDS

If you have been keeping up with Earth culture in the past year or so, you have probably heard of the teen girl phenomenon known as Twilight. The “Twilight Saga” of sub-par books and shitty films follows a young “I could be attractive but no one notices me so I’ll just be different” girl named Bella who falls in love with a mysterious heartthrob vampire named Edward. Regardless of my disgust with this fad, I was dragged into seeing the film in theaters. Sitting in front of me was a large African American woman, who somewhat stereotypically decided to yell her opinions at the screen. During a scene where Edward and Bella are confusing infatuation for love the woman loudly days, “This Bella bitch is just too damn skinny. Girl looks like she got AIDS.” After I spent close to 20 minutes laughing at here publicly offensive comment, a burning question entered my mind. What if Bella and Edward had awkward, unprotected vampire-human sex? Could Edward get AIDS? Or what if he says“Fuck it. I’m bored.” and bit her? Could he get AIDS from that? The question is, “Can a vampire contract the AIDS virus from biting and/or having sexual relations with an AIDS infected victim?” I pondered the question for the better part of an hour and a half before finally giving in and doing some research. I decided the most reliable, accurate, and trustworthy source of information would be the internet. Some people say the interent isn’t always right. But why would anyone take the time to post false information? That’s crazy. Therefore, I concluded that everything you read on the internet is true. After my research took me through Wikipedia, several historical sites about vampires, and some very odd and disturbing pornography, I came to my conclusion and the answer to the question. Yes, a vampire can contract the AIDS virus having bitten and/or having sexual relations with an AIDS infected victim.However, considering that a vampire can only be killed by a stake through the heart, sunlight, holy water or decapitation, the AIDS virus is only a minor inconvenience to the vampire. The extent of the hardships faced by the AIDS infected vampire will most likely be teasing and practical jokes. Things like, “Hey, who invited Tom Hanks from Philadelphia?” and having songs from the musical “Rent” sang to him by his peers on a daily basis.

Power Cumber

I have a friend that got a new bicycle the other day. He was bragging like it made him Lance Armstrong or something, so I decided to go check it out. I honestly was not that impressive. He bought it at Target for like $50. But something about it did catch my eye. The name of the model was written on the side of it. It was called the “POWER CLIMBER.” This was normal, except that I read it wrong. I mistook the L and the I together for a U. I thought it said “POWER CUMBER.” I realized my mistake and laughed to myself. Later, I was thinking about my minor mistake and an idea struck me like a tazer to the genitals. What if there really were a product called the Power Cumber? My marketing genius kicked into overdrive. It would be like a regular cucumber, but injected with caffine and herbal suppliments, giving it the effects of an energy drink. I’m talking 9,000% of your daily Vitamin-B12 here, people. This would definitely sell with the fitness freaks. They would feel more healthy eating a super-charged vegetable for energy than drinking a carbonated drink. Then I thought of a whole line of energy-injected fruits and veggies. Envision this with me: Power Melon, Power Nana, Power Tato, and even…. Power Bacon. The last one isn’t really a fruit or vegetable, but everyone on Earth loves bacon, right? So if anyone would like to partner with me in this business venture.. I’ll be taking out a loan at the bank tomorrow. I’m serious. I’m getting Billy Mays to do the infomercials. Get ready for him to yell at you every night at 2AM until you break down and buy the POWER CUMBER. For those that doubt me.. you will eat your words. The Power Cumber revolution is coming.. and it’s going to change our lives forever.

Oh, Woodchuck

Oh, Wood Chuck

How much wood would
a Wood Chuck chuck
if a Wood Chuck
could chuck wood?
It’s killed me for days.
Who are you, wood chuck?
And why do you
chuck so much wood?
Are you your own animal
or just racial slur
for groundhogs?
Maybe you’re like the Sasquatch.
Pseudo-scientists and hillbillies
claim knowledge of you.
Sightings of you sprout from Portland
to the Appalachians.
Like a combination of a beaver
and the Brawny paper towel man.
Although such a name
suggests you would be a superb
chucker of wood,
that’s not you.
You’re bred for your shiny coat
and husky baritone singing voice,
but no one ever hears you sing.
The childish tongue-twister
only mars your legacy.
But, if pressed, I would say five.
Five woods chucked in about a half an hour.

Ways I Can Become President Again In 2012

(from the personal journal of George W. Bush)

1. Change My Name - Technically that would make me a different person. Charlie Sheen seems pretty smart. I could go from George Walker Bush to George WINNING Bush. My second choice would be Carlos McHugeWiener.

2. Get Sex Change - This would also technically make me a totally different person. I would run as Georgia W. Bush. Now a woman as President sounds like the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. But I'd still be George W... just with a giner.

3. Change the Constitution - I would sneak in and fix that 2 term part with a sharpie. I've seen Mission Impossible like a thousand times, so I don't think it would be that hard.

4. Switch My Face With Nicolas Cage - Ya know, like in that movie Face Off? I don't know if anyone would vote for Nic Cage, but it would still be super badass.

5. OBAMA SUCKS!

Craps McGee

The Story of Craps McGee (in iambic pentameter.)

In times of fear we look to Craps McGee,

A man of great integrity and strength.

He crossed the Delaware in two short leaps.

He punched a cat and brought it back to life.

When Craps was eight years old he died three times.

He killed a flock of geese with his bare hands.

I’m serious. The geese are dead for real.

McGee then fathered twenty bouncing boys.

The boys grew up and formed a fam'ly band.

They toured the country far and wide and long

And deep and short and tall and here and there.

But Craps McGee did not like rock and roll.

He told the boys to stop and they said no.

McGee burned down their homes and smashed their cars.

You know there is no love like father’s love.