Question:

How many monkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

ANSWER: I find this question completely ridiculous. Come on, I live in the South. Anything even remotely supporting the theory of evolution is completely unacceptable. I would say said monkey(or monkeys) wouldn't make it near the socket, much less make an attempt at screwing in the bulb, before being shot or lynched. It's sad to say, but old Uncle Jimmy sure doesn't want any of that scientific mumbo-jumbo poisoning young Betsy Lou's good Southern Baptist education.

Greetings from Earth,

Jim

Scientology

Did you know you have to pay $4,000 to join Scientology? It's a fee for a "starter package" into the religion. That is completely appalling.. they want you to pay money to join their religion. The whole thing is a giant money scam. They should want to help you.. therefore letting you join for free. Christians pass around an offering plate.. but it's totally optional. Although you do get that terribly guilty feeling of Jesus watching you as you pass the plate down without contributing. But a mandatory fee of four grand? Ridiculous. I mean.. Yeah, I payed it. But I better get to meet Tom Cruise..


Greeting from Earth,

Jim

Question:

Why does the world go 'round?

Answer:
Science. That's why.



Greetings from Earth,

Jim

I was leaving a routine trip to Wal-Mart last week when I saw something out of the corner of my eye. There.. walking through the parking lot of Wal-Mart.... was Tony Danza. I mean really.. Tony Danza. You can imagine my shock, so I chased him down and tackled him. It was only after I beat him to death with his own shoe that I realized it wasn't Tony Danza. But I didn't tell the crowd of people watching that.. and boy did they cheer.


Greetings from Earth,

Jim

Question:

How much wood would a Wood Chuck chuck if a Wood Chuck could chuck wood?

Answer:
First off, everyone should be properly informed on the subject of Wood Chucks. Although many psuedo-scientists and hillbillies claim knowledge of the species existence, the Wood Chuck is a mythical creature. It does not exist in today's society. It was created in the 1700s by English settlers in the northeast. History discrabes it as looking like a combination of a beaver and the Brawny paper towel man. The aettlers gave it the name of Wood Chuck. Although such a name suggests that the animal would be a superb chucker of wood, this was not the case. My research shows that the Wood Chuck was bred for its shiny coat and husky baritone singing voice. As the for above question, I consider it completely irrelevant to the legacy of the mighty Wood Chuck. But if pressed, I would say five. Five woods chucked in about a half an hour.

Greetings from Earth,

Jim

Thoughts on Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving is an American holiday in which we celebrate the Pilgrims making friends with the Nativie Americans. Mainly, so they could sleep with their women, giving the indians the wonderful gift of VD.

Thanksgiving is supposed to be a holiday of giving thanks to the people we love and be thankful for everything we have. Instead we get together with family we haven't seen all year to gorge ourselves on turkey and unhealthy deserts. This is truely an American holiday.

My extended family is truly from the South. After Thanksgiving dinner today, some of the children found a baby racoon in a tree outside. My uncles got it down from the tree. They named it Obama. My extended family is racist.

As we were eating Thanksgiving dinner, I looked over the the counter to see my uncle making himself a drink. It was a Redbull-Vodka. Phenominal.

Politics became the topic of conversation after dinner. My cousin gave a huge speach about how President Obama is ruining the United States. Later he complained that the local hospital was over-priced. He didn't have the money to pay for them to treat his injured ear because he didn't have health insurance. He said it wasn't fair. He can't afford healthcare. I asked him if he realized that he just gave an argument for universal healthcare in the U.S.? My extended family are Republicans.

As I was leaving my grandmother's house, I heard some of my cousins talking about a porno they had seen called "Spanksgiving." Beautiful.


Greetings from Earth,

Jim

Here's a little known fact about me. Back in 1973 I ran for a Senate seat in Kentucky. I would've had it in the bag if it weren't for a completely false mud slinging campaign started by my opponent George Vandersmoot claiming that I had an illegitimate son. I couldn't believe the people were buying into such poppycock. I had to hide my illegitimate son Charlie in my basement for thirteen months while the election played out. Long story short, I lost the election and a little bit of my pride. Charlie lost his spleen and a foot due to malnourishment. But in the end, I think we all came out a little wiser in the ways of the world.

Greetings from Earth,

Jim