Journal Entry: February 23, 2006

Dear Journal,

Tomorrow starts it.. the road to the end. It will undoubtedly be the most hectic time of the year. Seniors prepare for college(and some for work, the real world, marriage, pregnancy, alcoholism, drug additction, prison.. etc.), Spring sports go into full gear, senior trip is planned and taken, and one of the biggest events of the year takes place.. The Prom. The theme is Mardi Gras.. some students are reguested that the auditorium be flooded with trash and stuff to loot, just to give it the authentic New Orleans feel. This request, being cold, heartless, and somewhat sick, has been denied. I was actually quite sad to hear it. The atmosphere just won't feel real to me now. The real talk of the school, starting tomorrow, will Prom dates. Who will be going with who? This is a depressing time for many High School boys.. in which case some of them won't even get up the courage to ask a girl, and those who do, will generally be rejected. But sometimes these sort of things need to happen.. rejection can trigger greatness. After all, who do you think's going to run the internet in 20 years? As for me.. a few of my friends and I have realized that the road to Prom for a pseudo-popular, fairly nerdy, decently intelligent High School guy is one littered with disappointment, regret, self-loathing and self-gratification. Therefore, to save ourselves the severe teen angst, we have decided to take cheeseburgers to Prom. That's right. My date, whom I will be dancing and taking photographs with, will be a Quarter-Pounder with Cheese. I think it's genious. My date will look good, smell good, won't complain.. and who knows, maybe I'll even get some action after the dance.

Greetings from Earth,

Jim

Question:

Who killed Kennedy?

ANSWER:

This one's quite the bombshell. I did some heavy research, payed off the right people, and tea-bagged a ninety-two year old woman to get this information. It may shock you.. but the man who killed JFK is none other than... LORD ZED. Yes, that's right. The Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers' arch nemesis, Lord Zed. The Rangers tried to thwart the attack, but Zed released one of his monsters loose on Angel Grove. Seeing as how the Power Rangers never bothered to protect anywhere besides their beloved hometown, they were completely distracted. This was a colossal failure for both the Rangers, and the Fox Network. Needless to say, the episode never aired. Shortly after, Fox made the call to Zordon and the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers were canceled. The network changed to Power Rangers: Zeo, replacing most of the original cast.

Greetings from Earth,

Jim

Deflected Insult

Someone called me a name today. A "douche bag." It was an attempt to insult me.. an attempt to tear down my character by refering to me as a feminine product used for vaginal maintenance. When hit with this heinous comment, I abosrbed it. I let it sizzle on my mind skillet. I became more furious by the second, until I had a moment of clarity. I turned to my verbal assailant and answered, "I would love to be thrust into a vagina, squeezed, and forced to emit a salty liquid. Therefore, I am in no way insulted."

Greetings from Earth,

Jim

Question:

How many monkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

ANSWER: I find this question completely ridiculous. Come on, I live in the South. Anything even remotely supporting the theory of evolution is completely unacceptable. I would say said monkey(or monkeys) wouldn't make it near the socket, much less make an attempt at screwing in the bulb, before being shot or lynched. It's sad to say, but old Uncle Jimmy sure doesn't want any of that scientific mumbo-jumbo poisoning young Betsy Lou's good Southern Baptist education.

Greetings from Earth,

Jim

Scientology

Did you know you have to pay $4,000 to join Scientology? It's a fee for a "starter package" into the religion. That is completely appalling.. they want you to pay money to join their religion. The whole thing is a giant money scam. They should want to help you.. therefore letting you join for free. Christians pass around an offering plate.. but it's totally optional. Although you do get that terribly guilty feeling of Jesus watching you as you pass the plate down without contributing. But a mandatory fee of four grand? Ridiculous. I mean.. Yeah, I payed it. But I better get to meet Tom Cruise..


Greeting from Earth,

Jim

Question:

Why does the world go 'round?

Answer:
Science. That's why.



Greetings from Earth,

Jim

I was leaving a routine trip to Wal-Mart last week when I saw something out of the corner of my eye. There.. walking through the parking lot of Wal-Mart.... was Tony Danza. I mean really.. Tony Danza. You can imagine my shock, so I chased him down and tackled him. It was only after I beat him to death with his own shoe that I realized it wasn't Tony Danza. But I didn't tell the crowd of people watching that.. and boy did they cheer.


Greetings from Earth,

Jim

Question:

How much wood would a Wood Chuck chuck if a Wood Chuck could chuck wood?

Answer:
First off, everyone should be properly informed on the subject of Wood Chucks. Although many psuedo-scientists and hillbillies claim knowledge of the species existence, the Wood Chuck is a mythical creature. It does not exist in today's society. It was created in the 1700s by English settlers in the northeast. History discrabes it as looking like a combination of a beaver and the Brawny paper towel man. The aettlers gave it the name of Wood Chuck. Although such a name suggests that the animal would be a superb chucker of wood, this was not the case. My research shows that the Wood Chuck was bred for its shiny coat and husky baritone singing voice. As the for above question, I consider it completely irrelevant to the legacy of the mighty Wood Chuck. But if pressed, I would say five. Five woods chucked in about a half an hour.

Greetings from Earth,

Jim

Thoughts on Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving is an American holiday in which we celebrate the Pilgrims making friends with the Nativie Americans. Mainly, so they could sleep with their women, giving the indians the wonderful gift of VD.

Thanksgiving is supposed to be a holiday of giving thanks to the people we love and be thankful for everything we have. Instead we get together with family we haven't seen all year to gorge ourselves on turkey and unhealthy deserts. This is truely an American holiday.

My extended family is truly from the South. After Thanksgiving dinner today, some of the children found a baby racoon in a tree outside. My uncles got it down from the tree. They named it Obama. My extended family is racist.

As we were eating Thanksgiving dinner, I looked over the the counter to see my uncle making himself a drink. It was a Redbull-Vodka. Phenominal.

Politics became the topic of conversation after dinner. My cousin gave a huge speach about how President Obama is ruining the United States. Later he complained that the local hospital was over-priced. He didn't have the money to pay for them to treat his injured ear because he didn't have health insurance. He said it wasn't fair. He can't afford healthcare. I asked him if he realized that he just gave an argument for universal healthcare in the U.S.? My extended family are Republicans.

As I was leaving my grandmother's house, I heard some of my cousins talking about a porno they had seen called "Spanksgiving." Beautiful.


Greetings from Earth,

Jim

Here's a little known fact about me. Back in 1973 I ran for a Senate seat in Kentucky. I would've had it in the bag if it weren't for a completely false mud slinging campaign started by my opponent George Vandersmoot claiming that I had an illegitimate son. I couldn't believe the people were buying into such poppycock. I had to hide my illegitimate son Charlie in my basement for thirteen months while the election played out. Long story short, I lost the election and a little bit of my pride. Charlie lost his spleen and a foot due to malnourishment. But in the end, I think we all came out a little wiser in the ways of the world.

Greetings from Earth,

Jim

Energy Crisis.

Hello, Universe. Today I write to you about an interesting experience I had. You see, us Earthlings are going through what I call an “energy craze.” Not because of depleting natural recourses or our continued dependance on oil, but because no one wants to sleep. I am talking about the immense popularity of energy drinks. These are carbonated beverages that contain ridiculous amounts of caffeine and 5000% of your daily dose of vitamin B12. They are terrible for the body, yet we continue to consume them for one reason or another. Alas, this is just a short form introduction to energy drinks. If you need a more in depth explanation, just talk to any college student that’s too afraid to try cocaine. Now, I’m not saying energy drinks are the devil. I have been known to chug an energy boosting beverage or two in my day, but there is one on the market that I was not prepared for.

My story starts at the center of Earth culture, Wal-Mart. I was getting my usual supply of Spaghetti-O’s, Top Ramen, and beef Jerky when I layed eyes upon one of the most intriguing things to ever be placed before them. It was called “Lightning Bolt”, The Official Energy Drink of Steven Seagal. For those of you not familiar with his work, Stephen Seagal is an actor. He has starred in countless mildy successful martial arts films. Although, in recent years, he has been lost in the fray with all the other martials arts seudo-stars like Jean Claude Van Damme, Jet Li, Jackie Chan, and of course, Chuck Norris. Now back to the drink at hand. I was amazed. I had never seen a celebrity endorse such a product before. The design on the can was completely cheesy. It was also priced at $1 and was as whopping 32 ounces. I quickly made up my mind.. I was going to buy this energy drink. Now the only thing left to decide was the flavor. Like most energy drinks, Steven Seagal had to take it up a notch and offer not one, but two flavors. The first to catch my eye was “Cherry Charge”, but I’m not a fan of cherry flavoring. It reminds me of children’s cough syrup. This in turn reminds of having to take that gross, cherry flavored children’s cough every time I lied to my mother about being sick in an attempt to stay home from school.

So I moved my attention to the can beside it. This can was labeled “Asian Experience.” I kid you not, its label read “Asian Experience.” Steven Seagal is not Asian, so this confused me. But the name of the flavor was almost as intriguing as the drink itself. I immediatley purchased it, popped the top, and took a drink. What hit my beckoning palet was by far one of the most disgusting tastes I had ever been subjected to in my life. It was like carbonated olive juice, with a hint of natural grape. I then became nauseous, and needed to sit down. I could still smell it. I could feel it on my lips. The taste would not go away. I was sick for the better part of 3 hours, and was tasting it in my mouth for the next 2 days. I had yet to find an energy drink that I didn’t like, until Mr. Seagal decided to bless us with this little gem.  So this is a warning to you all: Unless you are stranded, dying of thirst, and can’t muster up the courage to drink you’re own urine.. DO NOT try the Steven Seagal evergy drink. Just don’t.

But I’ll be honest with you. I don’t regret it. It was a life experience. You win some, and you lose some. Mr. Seagal definitely won this one. Steven Seagal Energy Drink-1, Me-0. I couldn’t handle his nauseating, libido dampening concoction. Overall, Steven Seagal’s evergy drink comes off primarily like his movies: corny, uncomfortable, disappointing, and afterwards, you sort of want your money back.

Greetings from Earth.

Hello, Universe.

What you read here is a blog about life on the planet Earth. It'll focus on the trials, tribulations, and general annoyances faced while living life as an average, everyday Earthling. For any non-humans that come across this blog via the World Wide Web, I hope this helps you understand that confusing, convoluted, and sometimes contradictory culture that we have here on our big blue orb. Humans are gluttonous, greedy. self centered, wreckless, and destructive creatures. But damn it, life sure is fun.. So read on with me. We'll laugh together.. we'll cry together.. we'll argue because something I said was offensive. No matter what, let's get to know each other. It'll start.

Hi, I'm Jim. I decided to start this blog as a creative outlet for all the thoughts that bounce around in my brain. There are a lot of them. Some hang out in the back of my mind, only coming up for  an  occasional visit. Others, however, strain to get out like tween girls against the guardrail at a Jonas Brother's concert. Therefore, some of my blogs will be very structured, while others will be free-writes, consisting of my random thoughts. So get ready, because this post starts our long journey together.

And oh yeah, Greetings from Earth.

-Jim Story