The #1 Threat to America

Is it terrorists? Drug cartels?? Wikileaks???

America, it's none of these. The #1 threat to our nation is something that not many people know about. I'm talking about rogue mountain lions. These are not normal mountain lions in the sense that they've gone rogue. They are not doing normal mountain lion things. They are growing more intelligent by the day and taking over many small towns and cities in southern Texas. They have also been eating entire patches of illegal marijuana being grown in our forests and robbing convenient stores, enraged with the munchies. Word on the street is they've kidnapped several bi-lingual students from the University of Texas El Paso and have been forcing the students to teach them both English and Spanish. America, we must stop these giant blazed cats. I have it on good authority from a pool boy in San Antonio named Miguel that their weaknesses are Cheetos, old Carlos Santana albums, and seasons of the Golden Girls on DVD. Together, we can do this.

Do your part to stop rogue mountain lions today!