Things I Don't Fuck With, Part 1

Let it be known.. I hate spiders. I would rather fight a bear than a spider. A spider can bite me and I'm done. Dead. But a bear, I could fight a bear. Here's my plan: I would run full speed at the bear and jump at it, latching it in a bear hug. What's the worst it could to in that position? Scratch my back? Then as is ferociously roared at me, I would punch full force into its mouth. I would punch it in the tongue, then grab it and rip it out. Sure, he could try to bite my arm off but what's faster, the bear's mouth or me? Me, dude. If that doesn't work I'll just run. Bears are fast but only while running straight. I'd run into the woods in serpentine pattern. That's right.. eventually he's just get tired and forget, right? I think so. Regardless, I'd rather go through all that than have to encounter a spider. Fuck that. Spiders are horrifying. I will fuck with a bear all day. I don't fuck with spiders.

Greetings from Earth,

Jim

An Excerpt From My Novel

Good news, I'm almost finished with my novel. It's about a hi-tech secret agent working for the CIA during the Civil War era. Check out the excerpt from Chapter 6: Belly of the Beast.

"As I rushed down the dark corridor, I could feel the weight of all my super hi-tech gadgets that I keep on my person at all times start to bore down on my extremely fit and tan body. I knew the Confederate soldiers wouldn't be far behind. I quickly ducked behind a Civil War era vending machine and waited for the right moment. I must have nodded out while waiting, because I awoke an hour and a half later with the grey coats surrounding me! I tied me up and dragged me behind them as they marched down the corridor. I tried to force flex out, but couldn't. They must have had some sort of advanced, super strong rope. They took me to a through a hatch and into an underground bunker. There were swastikas everywhere. I knew it. It was the Nazis!"

Pretty intense stuff, right? I'm hoping to sell the movie rights.

Parks

I can't go to parks.

Greetings from Earth,

Jim

M & M's

I know the bag says "Tear and Share." But these motherfuckers are all mine.

Greetings from Earth,

Jim

Awkward is the new sexy.

That's right. I said it.

Awkward is the new sexy.

Look at all the popular actors out there today. Clooney, Pitt, and McConaughey have been replaced by Seth Rogen, Michael Cera, and Jonah Hill. These are all conventionally non-sexy men. They're not bad looking. They're attractive in a nerdy, comedian sort of way. But they are by no means sexy. However, due to the newfound popularity of awkward comedy and dialogue-driven, everyday-situational comedies, these men have found themselves in leading roles. Therfore, women have started to find these funny men attractive. Some have even started to use words like "hot" and "sexy." This is good news for mildly attractive dorks like myself. We who rely on clever personality and witty wordplay to make up for unfortunate physical build or not-so-striking facial features.

This is a win for the nerds.

This is a first step. A step towards the day when I can roll up to the club in my Dodge Stratus on tens with the Wal-Mart plastic hubcaps. I can walk inside in my vintage button-up and jeans that I think might make me look interesting, find the hottest girl by the bar, walk up to her and buy her a drink only after making sure she doesn't have one and asking her what she likes. Then make a few jokes about myself before looking her in the eye and saying, "Hey baby, how about you let me get on top of you and act like I know what I'm doing?" That'll be the day.

Greetings from Earth,

Jim

Uncle Randy, the Pigeon Farmer

My Uncle Randy has money, although you couldn't tell. He looks like Kenny Rogers in Wranglers and a gray wife-beater. I never knew how he got his money, so I did some investigation. I found out he raises pigeons. What? That's what I said. Turns out it's a pretty lucrative business. But here's the kicker.. his pigeon coupe. It's an old trailer house. He raises these birds that he sells for large amounts of money in an old mobile home that he's converted into a coupe. What does he tell the customers? My guess would be the birds are better this way because they weren't raised in a cage. They were raised in a home.

Greetings from Earth,

Jim

What?

I'm really confused by this thing called "free range" chicken. I've seen it at the stores and some trendy restaurants. Supposedly it is meat from chickens that we raised naturally rather than in cages, so it's more humane. That's all well and good, but since when have chickens been free range? Was there ever a time when the wild chicken roamed the wide open prairies of the midwest? Maybe we should just let them all go and hunt them like deer or turkey. I'm sure it would be thrilling to hunt the elusive, majestic wild chicken. And the head would make a lovely mantle piece for all the small-game hunters out there.

Greetings from Earth,

Jim