Parks

I can't go to parks.

Greetings from Earth,

Jim

M & M's

I know the bag says "Tear and Share." But these motherfuckers are all mine.

Greetings from Earth,

Jim

Awkward is the new sexy.

That's right. I said it.

Awkward is the new sexy.

Look at all the popular actors out there today. Clooney, Pitt, and McConaughey have been replaced by Seth Rogen, Michael Cera, and Jonah Hill. These are all conventionally non-sexy men. They're not bad looking. They're attractive in a nerdy, comedian sort of way. But they are by no means sexy. However, due to the newfound popularity of awkward comedy and dialogue-driven, everyday-situational comedies, these men have found themselves in leading roles. Therfore, women have started to find these funny men attractive. Some have even started to use words like "hot" and "sexy." This is good news for mildly attractive dorks like myself. We who rely on clever personality and witty wordplay to make up for unfortunate physical build or not-so-striking facial features.

This is a win for the nerds.

This is a first step. A step towards the day when I can roll up to the club in my Dodge Stratus on tens with the Wal-Mart plastic hubcaps. I can walk inside in my vintage button-up and jeans that I think might make me look interesting, find the hottest girl by the bar, walk up to her and buy her a drink only after making sure she doesn't have one and asking her what she likes. Then make a few jokes about myself before looking her in the eye and saying, "Hey baby, how about you let me get on top of you and act like I know what I'm doing?" That'll be the day.

Greetings from Earth,

Jim

Uncle Randy, the Pigeon Farmer

My Uncle Randy has money, although you couldn't tell. He looks like Kenny Rogers in Wranglers and a gray wife-beater. I never knew how he got his money, so I did some investigation. I found out he raises pigeons. What? That's what I said. Turns out it's a pretty lucrative business. But here's the kicker.. his pigeon coupe. It's an old trailer house. He raises these birds that he sells for large amounts of money in an old mobile home that he's converted into a coupe. What does he tell the customers? My guess would be the birds are better this way because they weren't raised in a cage. They were raised in a home.

Greetings from Earth,

Jim

What?

I'm really confused by this thing called "free range" chicken. I've seen it at the stores and some trendy restaurants. Supposedly it is meat from chickens that we raised naturally rather than in cages, so it's more humane. That's all well and good, but since when have chickens been free range? Was there ever a time when the wild chicken roamed the wide open prairies of the midwest? Maybe we should just let them all go and hunt them like deer or turkey. I'm sure it would be thrilling to hunt the elusive, majestic wild chicken. And the head would make a lovely mantle piece for all the small-game hunters out there.

Greetings from Earth,

Jim

Valentine's Day 1992: A Poem

I shouldn’t have waited until the last minute

but I had to do something. I hauled ass to Wal-Mart and

saw the flowers. They were simple. Jennifer liked simple.

Just the right color and the only ones left with no sign of wilting.

They were passable and passable was perfect.

I reached for the flowers and suddenly, a hand came from the left.

It was an old woman. She was kind looking,

with snow-white hair. Her soft eyes reminded me of my grandmother.

She took the flowers before I could. “Excuse me, ma’am.

I was just about to grab those. I need them for my girlfriend.

I’d like to give her something nice on Valentine’s Day,” I said.

She motioned to the rest of the flowers in the case,

and walked away. That an old bitch. I went with the box of chocolates

instead. Chocolates had a classic feel to them like candy corn at

Halloween or fruit cake on Christmas. Jennifer didn’t feel this way when I

brought the box home. Maybe it was my obvious lack of preparation

or that fact that I ate three of the chocolates from the box before giving it

to her, but she was unhappy. I ended up sleeping on the couch,

masturbating into a sock.

Question:

Why are we here?

ANSWER: Literally? The sex. Seriously, neither you nor me would be here today if our parents hadn’t gotten hopped up and made some bad decisions. If you were wanting more of the spiritual answer, leaning more towards our purpose for existing.. I’d say the sex. That’s just me making a wild guess. If you want to find the real reason, try finding Jesus Christ, Allah, Jewish God, Buddha, L. Ron Hubbard, Krishna, or Dick Clark.(He was there when it all began.)

You're probably thinking“That’s it? There’s a million more reasons to consider! You can't just tell us to ask other people!” Honestly, yes.. There are alot more possibilities I could consider. But frankly, get the fuck off my back. Learn to find things out for yourselves. I can’t spoon feed you all the time.

Greetings From Earth,

Jim